sometimes I…

[David King of Israel was a prolific poet and psalmist. One of the qualities I love best about his writings is how brutally honest and vulnerable they were.  You could say he was always good at “keeping it real.”

Well, I can’t put myself on the same par as “the sweet psalmist of Israel” (2 Sam.23:1, kjv), but I would like to submit this poem for your consideration.  And in as much as this is not a selection from holy writ (such as David’s writings) I am not trying to communicate a theological treatise of inerrant value and uncompromising truth.  It is simply a poem, the expression of my heart at a time when I was in a difficult place.  This was written many years ago, and many things have changed in my life since then (it doesn’t reflect my current station in life… not entirely).  Still, there is a truth that can be gleaned from here, and I hope that truth can encourage your heart as you journey along the way.]

Sometimes I’m angry when the car breaks down and I don’t have the money to fix it.

Sometimes I’m angry when I finally get it fixed only to discover that there’s a worse, more expensive problem with it.

Sometimes I’m angry when the bosses (plural) don’t ask the workers about some new idea before implementing it- it could save a lot of time and trouble.

Sometimes I’m angry because I can’t seem to make ends meet.
Sometimes I’m angry when it seems like I’m not meeting my family’s needs and desires.

Sometimes I’m angry because I didn’t stay single…but that doesn’t last long – I’d be miserable all by myself.

Sometimes I’m angry because the rabbit got into the office and made a mess (and they wonder why I don’t want a dog!)

Sometimes I’m angry because I don’t want to be a father anymore – until I have good night prayers and kisses with my young kids, and I forget what I was angry about.

Sometimes I’m angry because the people I’m closest to cause me the most pain – and visa versa.

Sometimes I’m angry because I never grew up with a father….a father ‘with skin on.’

Sometimes I’m angry because it’s less painful than depression and it gives me a sense of power, albeit false!

Sometimes I’m angry because and I don’t even know why.

Sometimes I’m angry with God – though I’d be hard pressed to admit it. Then, when I finally admit it, I’m angry with myself for being angry with God!

Sometimes I’m angry because I feel so lonely, so very lonely.

And sometimes, when I’ve stopped being angry, I cry. I sob. I weep profusely. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I’m depressed because I’ve been so angry.

And sometimes, when I get quiet, I feel God come. I want to hide, but He comes,
And He’s not angry,
He’s not upset,
He’s not put off.

When the wicked and the ungodly rage in their anger, God laughs at them in their foolishness. But when I’m angry He looks beyond my anger to the pain. And He is moved. He reaches out to touch me. And when I let Him, then there is peace – peace on the inside. He quiets my soul, and He loves me.

Sometimes I’m angry, but I pray that I’m getting angry less and less.
Sometimes I’m angry, but He always loves me,
Because I’m always His child.

(copyright 2000, Lemuel C. Dees)